How to stop being a victim?
Sacrificing oneself and one's own desires, life for the sake of the parents and for the sake of children, for the sake of the family and for the sake of the beloved men, for the sake of "I do not know what" - this is in the soul of every woman and is securely enshrined in stiff upbringing (tolerant!) And all-Russian mentality. For women, from time immemorial it is stipulated that to be a victim is right, it gradually enters the consciousness and the constant advance of one's song on the throat becomes a habit.
“She lives for the sake of children,” “she stopped working so that he could build a career,” “she works three jobs for the sake of family affluence,” etc. - often hear? Most of these phrases are uttered with unbreakable pride that a woman has forgotten herself and put everything on the sacrificial altar for the sake of loved ones. Why not think, is she happy with it? Are you happy with not getting married a second time to raise a child? Are you happy to listen to insults to your husband for years or suffer humiliating betrayal? Is she happy with the fact that she does not see evenings or weekends in work and household affairs, and has long forgotten the once beloved handicraft or painting?
The answer is not always obvious: sometimes a woman grows together with the position of the victim so much that sacrifice becomes her true nature - self-deprecation and self-flagellation for the benefit of others. It should be understood that the concept of “sacrifice” is often mixed with the typical and so necessary for the female sex for her husband, children, and parents. Taking care of others is absolutely necessary, otherwise a woman will not be a woman - affectionate, tender, loving, but if a woman gets some position of a slave in a relationship, then there is no question of any normal situation.
The pride of one's own sacrifice
Heterogeneous complexes of the victim are eradicated, except for one thing: when a woman revels in her victim. Once it becomes convenient for her to write off the failures of her own life, relationships, etc. that she is doing everything possible and impossible for the sake of others, forgetting about herself. “I loved him so much, loved him so much, and he cheated on me!” - or maybe it was not worth it to “love so much, love so much”, forgetting about his own pride and pride?
What does the victim think every day, hourly? "Oh! What I am unhappy! What a hard life I have! Nobody understands me and how awful it is to live in this cruel world! ”But thinking is one thing, but to continue living in such“ unbearable ”conditions is the true position of the victim.But to be proud of one’s own misfortunes is the meaning of life and the inner satisfaction of such a person.
Sacrifice in the name of what?
Examples of sacrifice can be given mass, they do not include cases of noble sacrifices for the health of loved ones, their well-being, sacrifices in the name of fulfilling civil and human duty. These are personal examples of sacrifice: children sacrifice themselves, parents sacrifice themselves, spouses sacrifice themselves, friends sacrifice themselves. But sacrificing themselves, compromising their own goals, aspirations, interests and desires, the “victims” feel an unpleasant aftertaste - the desire to be good for everyone except themselves turns into a bitter pill: irritation, anger, and sometimes hatred for those for whom it was . Over time, these negative emotions turn around and on themselves, because a person in return does not receive anything, their own desires and needs remain unmet.
And here comes a vicious circle in which a person who sacrifices himself to others doomlessly walks for more than one year: pity - the desire to sacrifice something for the pity person - depriving oneself of something worthwhile and important for others - self-pity, anger and resentment at others.Prolonged sacrifice can cause nervous disorders, neurosis, neurasthenia, severe physical and psychological diseases.
This quotation requires clarification: the sacrificial circle is not limited to two people, more and more new human relations are drawn into it, each playing a serious role during human life.
About half a century ago, the American psychologist Stefan Karpman formulated the theory of the “dramatic triangle”, at the apex of which there are three roles peculiar to man in varying degrees:
The victim is eternally impotent, eternally dissatisfied with life, a slave of situations, circumstances, and the Chaser, but without being able (read “not wanting”) to change anything. A person in this role is aware of his position, ashamed or, on the contrary, proud of him, he is depressed and helpless. The victim needs a Savior who will listen, and pity, and help, and if necessary, protect.
The pursuer is always cruel, merciless, evil satrap, despot, tyrant and tyrant. His typical phrases are constantly being thrown to the Victim: “If it were not for you, then ...”, “That's right for you!”, “You are to blame for everything (my fault)!”, “It's all because of you!”.A stalker is not necessarily one person, it can be a collective concept: parents who do not like; bosses who do not appreciate; goat men who use and cheat; the whole world that is so cruel to the unfortunate Sacrifice.
The rescuer is a gentle, kind and just protector and assistant to the Sacrifice. Always there as a vest, he mitigates the problems of the Sacrifice, solving them and calming down the failures - this is all-embracing pity.
A person is never just a Sacrifice or just a Chaser, he swims around this triangle, changing his roles and drawing in him more and more new relationships, people, situations - all the relationships that are in human assets are in this circle. For each situation and set of relationships, he has a mask, style of behavior, lifestyle and internal foundations. And, no matter how sad it is to admit, a person imprisoned in this circle has practically no chance of escaping from it.
Men inclined to incontinence and assault on the men often mark sacrifice as perhaps the best of all the personality traits of a woman: still, how convenient are the sacrifices of a woman for the sake of love, for the sake of children, for the sake of family, to keep your beloved in this psychological bond is simply beneficial.Submission (the second male virtue of a female virtue) is not in many ways inferior to sacrifice, except that there is a little less drama in manifestation. Obedience and the desire to bring themselves to the altar of sacrifice is laid by conservative parents in their daughters, movies and classic books that do not take into account that times have changed and manners.
And dare to contradict? Will not pass the number! - at best, the beloved will confine to righteous indignation, a blatant voice about disgusting parenting, at worst - an attempt to have her own voice for a woman can turn into physical influence on her.
However, some women will never tolerate such pressure, and the Chaser's attempt to turn her lover into a Sacrifice will turn into nothing at the first stage called “You Should ...”, while others will revel in their sacrifice in the long-term struggle for an alcoholic husband. For such a lady, it becomes an end in itself to save him from the green serpent through her own nerves and health - even being a bat, she never ceases to think that yes, it should be so, he will certainly recover / change / correct, and they will live happily ever after, and will die in one day.
By the way, for men of other countries with a completely different mentality, the expression “sacrificial woman” is not clear. There it is wild: to leave education for the sake of the husband, not to have your own opinion, to sit at home on the rights of shading, erasing and giving birth to children, the shadow of male vanity. For foreigners, a woman is a gentle, proud, kind person, a woman-friend, a woman-partner, a woman-lover. Russian Domostroy from time immemorial built women along the wall and ordered: "Submit! Donate! Forget about yourself! ”And women still forget ...
It is not only alcohol that can create an involuntary and sometimes unexpected situation that turns a woman into a Sacrifice, the tyrannical nature of the chosen one and her own nature, which is calm and soft from nature: gaming and computer addiction of children, drug addiction, home-superior, sexual inclinations in love relationships, strong emotional connections etc. But how to get rid of this sacrificial swamp dragging deeper and deeper? Understanding that you are a Victim gives a lot: the awareness of the unhealthy situation allows you to begin a comprehensive analysis of the problem and the search for its solution.
How to stop being a victim in a relationship?
The situation of sacrifice in relations with children does not frighten a woman so much: children are her blood and flesh, and in becoming problematic situations of a female essence it is difficult to define the line between care, custody and true sacrifice.
Another thing is having relationships with adults. The victim can be seen from afar: this is an insecure person, often with obvious complexes, a sense of constant guilt for being in this world, with a desire to please everyone. Stronger individuals pick up this moment and begin to manipulate the object: first, carefully, then stronger and more powerful - the victim's psyche is methodically pushed, the complexes are strengthened, the Chasers' demands are becoming harder and more global, until the Victim is pressed completely.
How to stop being a victim in a relationship with your husband? Or with a beloved (and seemingly loving) man? Or any other Persecutor who so hampers his own existence? It is possible to stop being a victim and begin to respect yourself when carrying out some explanatory work on yourself:
Understanding the situation and your own sacrifice is great, but to fully correct the circumstances, you must be aware of the feelings that this sacrifice causes in the soul.Do you feel masochistic satisfaction and can not part with it? Consolate yourself with the thought that "beats, then loves"? Inwardly proud of their perseverance to endure the hardships that pose such sacrificial relationships? Awareness of this and the willingness to abandon imaginary pride in their own sacrifice will allow us to proceed to the next point.
An uncomplicated item, but an extremely complex execution: it is time to decide and take responsibility for your own life - it's time to stop shifting and writing off failures and hard lives on such circumstances.
Learning not to count on someone else's help and the Rescuer: self-support, self-confidence, correct self-esteem - these are the assistants in this step. Educating yourself again is extremely difficult, but to stop feeling sorry for “helpless” people (well, they are not in a coma, they have hands, feet, and head — they can do it themselves) and only because they don’t want to do anything to correct their own lives - it is quite affordable. civilized person.
4. This point in fact seems easy: include healthy selfishness. Learn to say "no!" To everyone who wants to ride on your neck and stop doing for others what you do not want to do.And no alien promises to the fact that “a woman should” and “a woman must” should not be confused - this is a manipulation of consciousness and pressure on the weak women's side.
It is possible to get out of the dramatic triangle of Karpman in the only way: to simultaneously abandon the roles of the Sacrifice, the Persecutor, the Rescuer imposed by people and circumstances, and pay attention to themselves.
Do not be afraid to cut the Gordian knot - you need to get rid of relationships burning out from inside and outside. Return to yourselves the state of inner harmony and emotional balance, and you will see that the world will play with new colors and you will find the strength to make your environment happy and healthy without sacrificial daily offerings.
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